If you are a swinger and you are offended by my blog, I guess I apologize. The art of swinging fell into my very suburban lap about two years ago. If you don't know what swinging is, I will tell you. It is where a supposedly very happy, normal couple decide swapping partners with another couple for sex is a great idea. Supposedly, these people, are secure in themselves and their life. I should not judge, but I have not figured out why watching your wife or husband sleep with another person in front of you is a moral and sound act to participate in.
Mark, my boyfriend of four years, and I were out in San Francisco about two years ago when we were first approached. We met a lovely couple at an upscale establishment and started talking. They had four kids, two dogs, and the picket fence. They invited us to their room for a drink. The bar we were in was located in the hotel they were staying in. We said sure.
We went up to their room and started talking about kids, Mark and I have five between the two of us, dog training, business, and then before I knew it I was being asked if I would like to have sex with the man in the room by his wife. The other part of the deal was my very hunk of an Australian boyfriend, and I mean Mark is hot, would have sex with his wife. I immediately grabbed my drink, started smelling if for some sort of odor that would tell me I have just been drugged into complacency with this absurd and looney couple. I smelt nothing. I didn't take chances though, instead I opted for a glass of water out of the tap that I went and retrieved for myself. Mark about jumped out of his skin when he was innocently going to take a sip of his drink and I screamed "NO!"
Of course I politely refused. The good news was they accepted our decline to their invitation with grace and ease. The curious side of me once again got the best of me. Mark wanted to split and I wanted to interview them. I asked them question after question, trying to figure out why this would be a good idea. You would have thought I was writing an article for the San Francisco Chronicle.
After my forty five minute interrogation I walked away with some answers. I asked questions like, why would you want to watch the person you love have sex with another person? The answer was, sex is just sex. It means nothing more than arousing a person's body. I thought, "wow." I explained that sex to me is the most personal, and intimate act that you can do with another human being. You cannot get any closer to another person, than sex. I truly believe, there is some serious insecurities in these people's characteristics that would cause them to want to play such a game.
I won't go into all the questions, but what it came down to really, was a load of crap. I did find out by the end of the conversation the wife was just going along with this to please the husband. I told her in front of this man,"this is the most absurd and ridiculous role that you are coerced into playing as the wife. It is not your duty as a wife to have sex with other men, and for your husband to have sex with other women in front of you. If you are only doing it for your husband you will suffer great consequences later on mentally, and possibly physically at one point." After that statement we were asked to leave.
Over the last two years Mark and I have been propositioned about eight times. Each time, I leave that couple feeling sad for their need to fulfill something that is missing in them and their marriage with such a dirty deed. I am sure they have excuses, and claim this makes them happier. I would ask whom does make it happier? Both of them or one of them? I would dig deep down in my psyche to figure out what I am missing in my life to play a game that could end up detrimental to my family and myself.
Fast forward to two nights ago, Friday the 13th! A couple we have known for four years, our sons play baseball together, and we have had family get togethers, and plenty of good old fashioned fun, invited us to their hotel room they checked into to celebrate Valentine's Day. They had to do have their celebration on Friday night instead of Saturday due to kids schedules. We said sure we would love to join you for a drink, first in your room, and then the lobby bar.
I am going to get straight to the point. We walk in and porn is playing on the tv. Ok, weird! I know these people, there is no way I could have misjudged. Next they ask us to play cards. Sure, we love cards. We play gin rummy. My girlfriend wins, we then realize we are playing truth or dare gin rummy. I excuse myself and go to the bathroom, yes porn is still playing, Mark follows me, we plan our escape, come out to say good-bye and my girlfriend is performing a sexual act on her husband. We leave.
Tell me, how do I act when I see them at little league, or a church function, or the grocery store, or at the school carnival? I came home, the first thing I did was start laughing hysterically for about ten minutes. Mark was in shock! I said honey, "either we exude sexual promiscuity or we appear to be very naive."
What a weird and strange world we live in. I hope I am not becoming the minority, and the swingers are the majority!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This is a very interesting blog entry, and one I enjoyed reading since I have been on both sides of the fence; a non-swinger and a swinger. It's always interesting to read what people on the outside looking in think, especially since it is so easy to pass judgment on others lives when they don't match own.
ReplyDeleteHaving had many years experience with swinging and other open relationship matters I would have to first say that these couples that have invited you to their hotel rooms (as well as the one's that have hit on you) are not experienced swingers, but merely are dabbling in it. This is for one very big reason: Experienced, "real" swingers don't approach non-swingers about swinging. This is because it inevitably ends-up like your situations did - the non-swinger couple being offended and walking-out. It's a waste of time and energy for swingers to approach non-swingers about having sex with them because 99% of the time they won't.
However it is a common mistake made by those just dabbling in swinging or open relationships, especially approaching friends, simply because they don't know where to find other like-minded people.
Real and experienced swingers know that approaching friends is a very quick way to destroy a friendship. There is a saying in swinging: "It's easier to make friends out of swingers than swingers out of friends."
Also, in many just dabbling in swinging you do find situations where one person in the couple is being coerced or manipulated into trying it, and like you mention it does lead to problems. Nobody likes to be convinced, coerced or manipulated into doing anything they don't want to do, sexual or not. It makes them resent the person coercing them into it. And if they do go along with it the not only resent the other person, but they also hate themselves for giving-in.
These are also the couples don't continue swinging after one or two experiences. These are also the stereotypical couples that are trying to "fix" something in their relationship or to "spice-up" a dying relationship or to fill-in something they think is missing. They think that having sex with others will magically fix the years of neglect and damage they have done to their marriage. It never works though. These are couple that already have one foot in divorce court and they try swinging as a last ditch effort to save their marriage. And it never works. Usually it just hastens the inevitable demise of their marriage.
Unfortunately they also give swinging a bad wrap relationship-wise because they blame it for the demise of their marriage. One constant in human nature is that nobody takes responsibility for their own crap until they run out of other people and things to blame it on.
I think if you knew some real swingers you'd find quite the opposite. First, they wouldn't proposition you because they know that with you not being swingers there is little to no chance of you doing it. It's better to go where you know the grass is green.
Second, you'd find that they are couples who are not insecure at all, but rather are very secure in themselves and their value to their partner.
Third, you'd find that they are not trying to replace something missing in their relationship, but rather are simply sharing the overflow from their already great relationship with an abundant and fantastic sex life.
Fourth, without exception you'd find that when they started swinging it was both of their fantasy, not just one of theirs. Sure one person first brought it up and a lot of talking went into it before they ever went through with it, but those that are "real" swingers had healthy relationships before they started and they really did just get better from there.
And finally, and you do elude to this but I'll say it: Watching your partner have sex with someone else may not be your fantasy, but it may be someone else's. Just because what turns them on isn't the same as you doesn't mean that it's "wrong" or "deviant". It's just different.
So no, real swingers are not the majority by any means. What you have met are not "real" swingers in any sense of the word. They are train wrecks looking for a place to happen.
That was a well written reply, and very eye opening. I don't mean to judge, however, it is such a different world than I live in, that I don't understand how this could help relationship and not destroy it. But your explanation did help a lot! Thank you!
ReplyDelete