Divorce and Children

It was around this time four years ago that I had to tell my children their father and I were divorcing. I talk about my divorce, and exactly what it did to my children in depth in my book. Right now, I will give you a brief sypnosis on how the divorce affected them in the moment they were told, in the following months, and what they said to me this morning, four years later.
In my book I say, "Divorce is actually a juvenile game of monopoly. Who is going to get park place (the house), the car, the dog, landing in jail is always a possibility, and you hope you don't get stuck on St. Charles place. The problem is, by the time you have moved around the board long enough to empty the bank and divide up all the property, you are so tired mentally and physically you might think why did I ever play this game."
Add kids to the mix, and divorce feels like you have entered hell! My children suffered the reprucssions from losing their house, to seeing their dog half the time, to splitting time with their parents, and the emotional rollercoaster they got on trying to figure out where they were moving,and trying to grasp how to feel safe when their whole life was turned upside down.
I sat my three children down on our couch. I told them I had something very important to say. They knew it was bad. When I told them that daddy and I were getting a divorce my seven year old at the time screamed "NO!" I sat there on the couch with my children for a long time hugging and crying. I tried to make them feel better. I explained that some things were changing, but basically, life was still happening. I told them to look out the window, and look at the beautiful sky, and the trees. I told them to stop and listen to the birds and the trees rustle in the wind. I explained that those beautiful sights and sounds were there before daddy and I got divorced, and would still be there long after our divorce. I wanted them to find peace in nature, and then maybe they would find peace in themselves.
The final words I said on the couch that day were these; "Remember, there is always someone in this world that has it worse than you and always someone that has it better. So accept what you have, embrace it, and love the hell out of it, and you will never feel unhappy or deprived."
No, I am not delusional. I understand and understood, that they are kids and all of that might not sink in right away. That is why I constantly talk about the free gifts in life and the beauty that surrounds them. I want them to take pleasure and appreciate who they are and what they are dealing with. I won't let them run from their emotions. I talk to them constantly about what they are feeling. I ask them daily, what could daddy and I do to make this life you have easier. But what I don't do is let them dwell or feel sorry for themselves. I am sorry that they went through a divorce, but I make them deal with it in a constructive and open manner. We talk at my house! My kids are coming out on top.
Sure, they are kids and they still wish we were together. As Jax says, "the problem is mommy, I am always missing you when I am with daddy, and daddy when I am with you." People, unless you are getting abused, save your marriage. Make your marriage your priority! You owe it to your kids to save the marriage. Try your hardest to fix what is broken.
In my book I talk about what I think goes wrong. Here is what I had to say. "When a person becomes complacent in their marriage and accepts dysfunction, the consequences can seem overwhelmingly unbearable. Life is meant to keep working at becoming a better person and being better to the people around you. The minute you take anything for granted and stop working to be a better wife, husband, friend, sister, brother, daughter, or son the relationship starts to slide. When you cannot stop the slide, you look to others to blame, at least, the weak do. The strong ones look within, and then change the outcome by putting up sand piles to stop the slide in its tracks. Then they get back to work together. All I can say is way too many divorces happen because egos get in the way, and if things were handled differently, we might have a far smaller divorce rate. In my marriage, we let our egos get in the way and in turn our marriage fell off the cliff."
Here we are four years later on our way to school this morning. Jax says, "this is about the time you told us you and daddy were divorcing." I got quiet. Cade says (my seven year old) "Jax is still sad. I am fine mommy." Jax says, "I will never forget when you told us. It was like it was yesterday. A week before you told us mommy, you and daddy had been fighting and I asked daddy if you guys were getting divorced and daddy said we will never get divorced. Then you told us you were getting divorced. On a scale of one to ten of how upset I was mommy, it was a THREE THOUSAND!" I said, "Jax, mommy is sorry that happened, and I am very sorry that any of my actions could possibly cause you hurt. I know you were hurting then and now at times. Your feelings are valid. You have a right to be sad. You owe it to yourself, to try and release the pain, and take something good out of the situation. You see Jax, life is not always fair. You know this. If you dwell for too long on a situation you will build up anxiety and saddness inside of you. Today is tough. Give yourself sometime to reflect on the past. While reflecting on the divorce, insert happy memories and think of the future. And realize, you never have to go through that experience again! You made it through, and you are stronger for it. Some of this might not make sense to you now. But someday it will. Then I asked them, "who loves you guys more than anyone walking this beautiful planet." Jax said, "you and daddy." I said ,"yep, have a great day at school."
Save your marriages!